As time goes on....

The pain someone feels when they go through something like death are not easily put into words.  It is unique to each individual person and everyone has process it in their own way.  It is all a struggle and I think for the most part people find themselves again and resume their somewhat normal lives.  This is not true for all though, some get so low and lost and they let it consume them.  They never crawl back out of the hole they dug and they usually try to bring other's down to their level.  They are over taken by guilt of how badly they treated the person, and think they can some how vindicate themselves.  This is not true and sadly leaves a trail of devastation bigger and more widespread than the actual death.  Learning to cope with this on top of everything else is turning out to be an even greater struggle than I could have ever imagined...so begins my new blog topic...

So....I have still been writing just no in a public place

I took a long break from here, I got tired of my feelings and opinions being discussed. I guess I should expect that considering I am putting them in a public place. This was never meant to be anything more than a place for me to vent. A place where those who are wondering what I'm up to or how I'm feeling can get a glimpse. I'm sure I have written this about 10 times by now but some how it still manages to get back to me. But enough of the crap...

Life has taken some interesting turns since I last posted. I started school, I'm going for psychology so I can hopefully make some kind of impact on atleast one person's life. Hopefully save them from going down some of the roads I have. I had to take a semester off b/c I don't have the most dependable childcare. It's always offered but there is always another factor to figure in to the equation. It is never as simple as it seems, which is fine, things worth having in life are worth fighting for. So instead of it taking me 4 yrs to get thru school it'll probably be 10 but I'm good with that. Laine and Brycer are both in preschool, Laine on M-W-F and Brycer on T-Th. I can't believe my baby is going to start kindergarten in several months. Time has gone way toooooo fast. This is something I know but still seems to amaze me when I stop and think about how much time has passed.

Speaking of time passing it's been roughly 2½ yrs since Bryce passed away. I haven't stopped to think about in a really long time. He is still constantly in my mind/head but the raw pain has been gone for awhile. I think since I finally let go of the anger I had towards him really helped. I know he would be here if he could and having any anger about that was just stupid. Everyone has to grieve in their own way. The kids talk about him less and less and I struggle with trying to keep his memory alive. They need to know about him but you can just see the pain in their eyes. I just let things go for now. It's hard to know their exact feelings since they are so young. At the same time they are so honest and simple. It's hard for me to imagine a time when everything was so black and white. It is still a day-by-day struggle, but everyday we get a little stronger.

i'm back!!

wow, i haven't been on here in forever!! reading thru all my old posts i can't believe how much i've grown and learned. i felt like i kinda had a death sentence, stuck in a world i didn't want to be part off. i don't know what changed, but something just clicked in my head. life has peaks and valleys, and when the valleys come you can either sink with them or rise above. it's easy to be sad and angry for what has been put on your plate. it takes strength and faith to rise above. looking at laine and brycer i just want whats best for them. they deserve the best of the best, and that includes a happy mom. life has enough downfalls, but they don't need an unhappy home being on the list of things that will stink.

so de-sensitived

i don't even know if sensitized is a word, i don't care. how many times do you let you heart be hurt before you just give up. i keep asking what is wrong with me? why don't i deserve happiness. it always seems to elude me. i tried my hardest not to let bryce's death let me get hard, but i failed. i try to be such a positive person, my glass is always half full. it's not, the freaking glass it empty, bone freaking dry. i give up, my towel is thrown in. for some reason God likes to give me fast hard blows, he's struck for the last time. i no longer have faith, or any desire too.

6 months

tomorrow will be the 6 month anniversary of bryce's passing. i still have a have a hard time saying that he's dead. time has not made it easy or better. i don't know if i'm not taking the right steps or thinking the right thoughts. i tought i was, but i'm so sad and sick to my stomach it's killing me. everyday i find it harder and harder to put on a happy face for laine and brycer. i let them see me cry and let them know why. i want them to know it's ok to be sad and cry. how can God put ppl thru this? i've tried to keep my faith, but i think i given up. it hasn't brought me any comfort or peace. as i sit here crying my eyes out i struggle to understand why. how much pain does a person have to endure in a lifetime? i must have really f*cked up in my previous lives. i don't want this life, i want to wake up from this nightmare. i want my freaking family back!!!

on another note i've decieded to move to PA when my lease is up in january. my sister is there and i've come to realize the importance of my family the older i get.

back to reality

so i'm back home in indiana. i'm missing florida terribly. at least the weather here is good. i haven't really felt like writing lately. i've got some massive issues/feelings to deal with and i'm still trying to think of a productive way to get them out. i don't know who all reads this and i don't want to step on anyone else's toes. i've already lost one friend over this. it's all suppose to be water under the bridge but since i'm alone and i don't have a "mate" to confide in it's kinda hard just posting without consulting. i think i've gotten pretty good at it but being away from here for awhile shyed me back up. once i'm home and back in a routine i'm sure the words will flow. but for now i've got some new music, let me know what ya think.

this one's for you Brandy :)

still on vacation and loving it!! i am kinda getting alittle home sick, but i'm sure once i hit the beach again it will all change!! lol we are just hanging out having lazy days, resting up for when our different groups of peeps come to visit. we are planning on doing disneyworld on the 11th!!! i'm sooooooo excited. we can get a 4 day dream pass for only 96.95, but yet a singe day pass is 79.00. we can go to any of the 6 parks and we have till may 25 to use the 4 days. looks like i'm gonna be seeing alot of disney! YAY!! i'm still covered with nasty sun poisoning, i look like a big cootie. i'm trying to take it easy with the sun but it's so hard. i am wearing sunscreen everytime i'm out but that didn't seem to help. so now thru much reasearch and tons of opinions the only thing that seems to be helping is rubing my self down with vinegar. YUCK!!! i smell like a freaking vinegarette salad walking around......atleast the bugs aren't bugging me. lol the joys of sensitive skin. anyways......i haven't really been in the mood to write, or if the mood has struck i haven't been around the computer. i'll try to write some funnier stuff later. hope everyone is doing great!!!