on vacation!!

we are in florida now, soaking up some much needed sun!! it feels so good to get away from "life" and be carefree for awhile. i got to go fishing out on ocean and we got our butts kicked with the waves. they were suppose to be 2-3 ft and ended up being 7-9 ft. the first time i went out they were suppose to be 2-3 ft and ended up being 8-12 ft. i felt like i was on an episode of deadliest catch both times!! lol thank God grandma linda has motion sickness patches to stick behind your ears or i think i'd be toast. i've never gotten motion sickness on the water but i'm soooo not gonna take a chance. once your out, your out so if you sick then your stuck. lol we also got to go out to the sandbar to go shelling. that is AWESOME!! depending on if the tides in or out depends on how much land is showing. it was like sand dollar heaven yesterday, we found so many we stopped picking them up. laine was nervous about going out on the boat as usual but calmed down as soon as we got going. brycer loves it all, soaks it all up and has fun. i'm so burnt from walking to the sponge docks ( there's a story to come!!!) and then fishing and shelling that i decided to stay in today while all everyone else went fishing again. i'm even wearing sunscreen and getting fried!! i'm gonna be here till the end of april so i've got plenty of time to work on my tan.

now, for the funny sponge docks story. patty, connie, the kids, and i went on a walk over to the bayou to watch the manitees swim and sun. from there we walked to the sponge docks. for those of you not familiar with tarpon springs it's a greek town. the sponge docks is like the little touristy area where they sell all kinds of sponges and shells and all the other touristy stuff u can think of. my favorite in the world is there, Hella's. we went there for lunch and started doing shots of ouzo (black licorice liquor) and got tanked!! connie and i also had a greek beer but patty didn't b/c she was "driving" the stroller. haha like the 6 shots of ouzo even mattered compared to the beer, but anyways.....we were sooooooooo tanked. we started calling everyone who we thought would get a kick out of hearing us try to walk back to the park. we almost had to call linda to come pick us up. haha connie fell and her poor tailbone hasn't been right since. she fell out into the road and held up traffic for a good 3 minutes while patty and laughed and tried to pick her up. we made it back and connie got sick and layed down for awhile then she was up drinking beer right along with me again. they said they aren't gonna go back to hella's with me again lol, i said oh yes you are!!! we even had our pic taken with our waiter who i'm sure was getting a kick out it. he's now my friend on facebook!!!! i still have my fb addiction on vacation. i almost had a panic attack when we went fishing. we were so far out i had no signal on my phone. OMG!!!!! it almost got scary. j/k, well not really. :)

and on another note, we all miss bryce, he's here with us in urn and spirit. i changed my status to widowed on facebook the other day. after going to see the medium and him not coming thru it brought me some peace. it made me feel like even though i feel him he's moved on and know's we're all ok. we all have an awesome support system and he know's we won't let anyone fall down. i'm ok with being a widow now, i don't like it but i'm ok and at peace with it. :)

for you sarah and michele

k so when i mention my important dates i didn't mention that my sis and 2 nephews were coming to stay with me 3-15 thru 3-18 and while in florida michele and katee are gonna be coming down too. u 2 hoochies feel better? lol just kidding!!!

today was the 4 month anniversary of bryce's death. talk about a rough day. i had a couseling session and it really kicked my butt. we covered some massive ground. one of the reason's i'm struggling is because of my guilt. i'm not the warmest person, i'm not a touchie feelie person and i need "me" time. somthing bryce so didn't get or like. i question weither or not he believed how much i loved him. we have both had some really bad relationships and as hard as we tried we couldn't help but carry old insecurities over. i'm slowly becoming a warmer person for laine and brycer's sake. i'm stubborn and it's hard for me to lean on anyone. i was learning to lean on him and now he's gone. leaning on mine and his families is a learning process for me. i've always had the "i don't need anyone" attitude, the "i can do it all on my own" attitude. i'm learning that i can't, more importantly i don't want to. i want help, i want the support that i'm so lucky to have. i'm slowly learning that i need it. i kind feel like i'm finally "growing up" and he would be so proud of me.

on a happy note, we found out that some close family friends are having a boy. they mentioned that they were thinking about the name bryce for a middle name, that made my heart skip a beat. it's amazing how may lives he touched for only being here for 32 yrs. i'm so proud to have been his wife. a BIG congrats to jena and mike on you sweet baby boy!! can't wait to meet him. :)

The last thing i ever wanted....

i write this blog to get things off my chest, to let ppl see a glimpse into my mind and what i'm going thru. i never in a million years thought i would offend anyone. it is not my intentions, and as hard as it may be to believe, this it really hard for me to write. words flow out of my mind but to share them, man, it takes a massive toll on me. the words that do flow don't always make sense, most of them are crazy one second thoughts that i instantly forget about. i don't mean to take anyone else's pain away who's lost someone. i believe it is a personal process and how you choose to handle/deal is your decision. death is death, no if ands or buts. it sucks, it hurts, and it doesn't matter who you loose, your in an unreal amount of pain. i'm sorry to who i've offended, i didn't mean to take away from your experience or make it seem not as painful as mine. please accept my apology.

The "Question"

so in counseling last week she asked me if i would have known the outcome would i still have dated/married bryce. i think my eyeballs just about came out of their sockets. she said i shot daggers at her out of my eyes but i don't by that.....lol. i hadn't ever even thought of this, but since she asked it's been haunting me. my first response was hell no! i thought i knew pain, an abusive relationship, a divorce that i didnt' want, giving your heart to someone who only wants it when it's not available, my family living 6 and 7 hours away from me. i didn't know jack sh*t. the pain hit a nerve so raw i never could have never imagined it existed. i get really upset when ppl tell me they know how i feel, they lost a grandparent, parent, or sibling. it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT the same. i'm not saying the pain is terrible and unbearable and just as raw but it's a different pain. you don't choose your family, i choose to spend the rest of my life with bryce. i choose to grow old and build a life with him. it's different. he was my soulmate, we completed each other, as corny as that sounds. when he died i felt like half of me died with him. now their is an empty blackness that continues to grow inside me, it never leaves me alone. it has become my constant "companion"

then i stop thinking about myself, and i think about the 2 most important special things in my life. the 2 things that i would give my life for, laine and brycer. i look at them and without even thinking about it i say hell yes i would do it again. i would do it over and over if they are the gift i got out of it. had i not gone thru everything in my life that caused me joy or pain i wouldn't have ended up with them. it makes every decision that i've ever made in my life the right one. they make me fighting the emptiness seem worth while. i can't let it comsume me, i can't let it take me over. they deserve the best and that is what i'm trying to be. i'm not setting my goal up so high that it's not reachable, but it's definetly gonna keep me on my toes. i am finding a strength inside me i never knew was there, i know i can do this. no.....no i know, i will. :)

Wow, it's been awhile!!

i didn't mean to let so much time go in between post's, but time it really flying. plus i'm not spending as much time on the computer. the weather has been getting nicer and i'm trying to get out more with munchkins. all the activity really helps with the weight watchers. tonight is weigh-in again. i had a really bad week, being sicker than a dog doesn't help. i hope it's not too discouraging.

we've got some important dates coming up, the 18th we are going to a "find out the sex of our baby" party. should be really fun. but i'm kinda scared, i haven't seen some of these ppl since bryce's funeral and i'm kinda nervous how ppl will respond to us. the 19th will 4 months that he has been gone, i still can't believe it. he is still the first person i want to call/text with news. i miss him every second of every day. :( the 20th we are going to see a medium at the embassy theatre in fort wayne. lisa williams(she's been on oprah and lifetime, we all have mixed emotions about this. we just really hope bryce is there and comes thru with something. we have all been talking to him and we are suppose to bring something like a pic or something he could be drawn too. it's so crazy!! i never thought i would be going to see a psychic in hopes of talking to my dead husband. then again i never thought i would be a widow at 32...... the 22nd patty, laine, brycer, and i are flying down to FLORIDA!! we'll be gone till the end of april. i hope the weather warms up in the next couple weeks. it's gonna stink to go there and it be chilly. we have so much planned to do, i can't wait!! the kiddo's are starting to beat each other up so i gotta run! have a great day everyone!!