i'm back!!

wow, i haven't been on here in forever!! reading thru all my old posts i can't believe how much i've grown and learned. i felt like i kinda had a death sentence, stuck in a world i didn't want to be part off. i don't know what changed, but something just clicked in my head. life has peaks and valleys, and when the valleys come you can either sink with them or rise above. it's easy to be sad and angry for what has been put on your plate. it takes strength and faith to rise above. looking at laine and brycer i just want whats best for them. they deserve the best of the best, and that includes a happy mom. life has enough downfalls, but they don't need an unhappy home being on the list of things that will stink.

so de-sensitived

i don't even know if sensitized is a word, i don't care. how many times do you let you heart be hurt before you just give up. i keep asking what is wrong with me? why don't i deserve happiness. it always seems to elude me. i tried my hardest not to let bryce's death let me get hard, but i failed. i try to be such a positive person, my glass is always half full. it's not, the freaking glass it empty, bone freaking dry. i give up, my towel is thrown in. for some reason God likes to give me fast hard blows, he's struck for the last time. i no longer have faith, or any desire too.

6 months

tomorrow will be the 6 month anniversary of bryce's passing. i still have a have a hard time saying that he's dead. time has not made it easy or better. i don't know if i'm not taking the right steps or thinking the right thoughts. i tought i was, but i'm so sad and sick to my stomach it's killing me. everyday i find it harder and harder to put on a happy face for laine and brycer. i let them see me cry and let them know why. i want them to know it's ok to be sad and cry. how can God put ppl thru this? i've tried to keep my faith, but i think i given up. it hasn't brought me any comfort or peace. as i sit here crying my eyes out i struggle to understand why. how much pain does a person have to endure in a lifetime? i must have really f*cked up in my previous lives. i don't want this life, i want to wake up from this nightmare. i want my freaking family back!!!

on another note i've decieded to move to PA when my lease is up in january. my sister is there and i've come to realize the importance of my family the older i get.

back to reality

so i'm back home in indiana. i'm missing florida terribly. at least the weather here is good. i haven't really felt like writing lately. i've got some massive issues/feelings to deal with and i'm still trying to think of a productive way to get them out. i don't know who all reads this and i don't want to step on anyone else's toes. i've already lost one friend over this. it's all suppose to be water under the bridge but since i'm alone and i don't have a "mate" to confide in it's kinda hard just posting without consulting. i think i've gotten pretty good at it but being away from here for awhile shyed me back up. once i'm home and back in a routine i'm sure the words will flow. but for now i've got some new music, let me know what ya think.

this one's for you Brandy :)

still on vacation and loving it!! i am kinda getting alittle home sick, but i'm sure once i hit the beach again it will all change!! lol we are just hanging out having lazy days, resting up for when our different groups of peeps come to visit. we are planning on doing disneyworld on the 11th!!! i'm sooooooo excited. we can get a 4 day dream pass for only 96.95, but yet a singe day pass is 79.00. we can go to any of the 6 parks and we have till may 25 to use the 4 days. looks like i'm gonna be seeing alot of disney! YAY!! i'm still covered with nasty sun poisoning, i look like a big cootie. i'm trying to take it easy with the sun but it's so hard. i am wearing sunscreen everytime i'm out but that didn't seem to help. so now thru much reasearch and tons of opinions the only thing that seems to be helping is rubing my self down with vinegar. YUCK!!! i smell like a freaking vinegarette salad walking around......atleast the bugs aren't bugging me. lol the joys of sensitive skin. anyways......i haven't really been in the mood to write, or if the mood has struck i haven't been around the computer. i'll try to write some funnier stuff later. hope everyone is doing great!!!

on vacation!!

we are in florida now, soaking up some much needed sun!! it feels so good to get away from "life" and be carefree for awhile. i got to go fishing out on ocean and we got our butts kicked with the waves. they were suppose to be 2-3 ft and ended up being 7-9 ft. the first time i went out they were suppose to be 2-3 ft and ended up being 8-12 ft. i felt like i was on an episode of deadliest catch both times!! lol thank God grandma linda has motion sickness patches to stick behind your ears or i think i'd be toast. i've never gotten motion sickness on the water but i'm soooo not gonna take a chance. once your out, your out so if you sick then your stuck. lol we also got to go out to the sandbar to go shelling. that is AWESOME!! depending on if the tides in or out depends on how much land is showing. it was like sand dollar heaven yesterday, we found so many we stopped picking them up. laine was nervous about going out on the boat as usual but calmed down as soon as we got going. brycer loves it all, soaks it all up and has fun. i'm so burnt from walking to the sponge docks ( there's a story to come!!!) and then fishing and shelling that i decided to stay in today while all everyone else went fishing again. i'm even wearing sunscreen and getting fried!! i'm gonna be here till the end of april so i've got plenty of time to work on my tan.

now, for the funny sponge docks story. patty, connie, the kids, and i went on a walk over to the bayou to watch the manitees swim and sun. from there we walked to the sponge docks. for those of you not familiar with tarpon springs it's a greek town. the sponge docks is like the little touristy area where they sell all kinds of sponges and shells and all the other touristy stuff u can think of. my favorite in the world is there, Hella's. we went there for lunch and started doing shots of ouzo (black licorice liquor) and got tanked!! connie and i also had a greek beer but patty didn't b/c she was "driving" the stroller. haha like the 6 shots of ouzo even mattered compared to the beer, but anyways.....we were sooooooooo tanked. we started calling everyone who we thought would get a kick out of hearing us try to walk back to the park. we almost had to call linda to come pick us up. haha connie fell and her poor tailbone hasn't been right since. she fell out into the road and held up traffic for a good 3 minutes while patty and laughed and tried to pick her up. we made it back and connie got sick and layed down for awhile then she was up drinking beer right along with me again. they said they aren't gonna go back to hella's with me again lol, i said oh yes you are!!! we even had our pic taken with our waiter who i'm sure was getting a kick out it. he's now my friend on facebook!!!! i still have my fb addiction on vacation. i almost had a panic attack when we went fishing. we were so far out i had no signal on my phone. OMG!!!!! it almost got scary. j/k, well not really. :)

and on another note, we all miss bryce, he's here with us in urn and spirit. i changed my status to widowed on facebook the other day. after going to see the medium and him not coming thru it brought me some peace. it made me feel like even though i feel him he's moved on and know's we're all ok. we all have an awesome support system and he know's we won't let anyone fall down. i'm ok with being a widow now, i don't like it but i'm ok and at peace with it. :)

for you sarah and michele

k so when i mention my important dates i didn't mention that my sis and 2 nephews were coming to stay with me 3-15 thru 3-18 and while in florida michele and katee are gonna be coming down too. u 2 hoochies feel better? lol just kidding!!!

today was the 4 month anniversary of bryce's death. talk about a rough day. i had a couseling session and it really kicked my butt. we covered some massive ground. one of the reason's i'm struggling is because of my guilt. i'm not the warmest person, i'm not a touchie feelie person and i need "me" time. somthing bryce so didn't get or like. i question weither or not he believed how much i loved him. we have both had some really bad relationships and as hard as we tried we couldn't help but carry old insecurities over. i'm slowly becoming a warmer person for laine and brycer's sake. i'm stubborn and it's hard for me to lean on anyone. i was learning to lean on him and now he's gone. leaning on mine and his families is a learning process for me. i've always had the "i don't need anyone" attitude, the "i can do it all on my own" attitude. i'm learning that i can't, more importantly i don't want to. i want help, i want the support that i'm so lucky to have. i'm slowly learning that i need it. i kind feel like i'm finally "growing up" and he would be so proud of me.

on a happy note, we found out that some close family friends are having a boy. they mentioned that they were thinking about the name bryce for a middle name, that made my heart skip a beat. it's amazing how may lives he touched for only being here for 32 yrs. i'm so proud to have been his wife. a BIG congrats to jena and mike on you sweet baby boy!! can't wait to meet him. :)

The last thing i ever wanted....

i write this blog to get things off my chest, to let ppl see a glimpse into my mind and what i'm going thru. i never in a million years thought i would offend anyone. it is not my intentions, and as hard as it may be to believe, this it really hard for me to write. words flow out of my mind but to share them, man, it takes a massive toll on me. the words that do flow don't always make sense, most of them are crazy one second thoughts that i instantly forget about. i don't mean to take anyone else's pain away who's lost someone. i believe it is a personal process and how you choose to handle/deal is your decision. death is death, no if ands or buts. it sucks, it hurts, and it doesn't matter who you loose, your in an unreal amount of pain. i'm sorry to who i've offended, i didn't mean to take away from your experience or make it seem not as painful as mine. please accept my apology.

The "Question"

so in counseling last week she asked me if i would have known the outcome would i still have dated/married bryce. i think my eyeballs just about came out of their sockets. she said i shot daggers at her out of my eyes but i don't by that.....lol. i hadn't ever even thought of this, but since she asked it's been haunting me. my first response was hell no! i thought i knew pain, an abusive relationship, a divorce that i didnt' want, giving your heart to someone who only wants it when it's not available, my family living 6 and 7 hours away from me. i didn't know jack sh*t. the pain hit a nerve so raw i never could have never imagined it existed. i get really upset when ppl tell me they know how i feel, they lost a grandparent, parent, or sibling. it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT the same. i'm not saying the pain is terrible and unbearable and just as raw but it's a different pain. you don't choose your family, i choose to spend the rest of my life with bryce. i choose to grow old and build a life with him. it's different. he was my soulmate, we completed each other, as corny as that sounds. when he died i felt like half of me died with him. now their is an empty blackness that continues to grow inside me, it never leaves me alone. it has become my constant "companion"

then i stop thinking about myself, and i think about the 2 most important special things in my life. the 2 things that i would give my life for, laine and brycer. i look at them and without even thinking about it i say hell yes i would do it again. i would do it over and over if they are the gift i got out of it. had i not gone thru everything in my life that caused me joy or pain i wouldn't have ended up with them. it makes every decision that i've ever made in my life the right one. they make me fighting the emptiness seem worth while. i can't let it comsume me, i can't let it take me over. they deserve the best and that is what i'm trying to be. i'm not setting my goal up so high that it's not reachable, but it's definetly gonna keep me on my toes. i am finding a strength inside me i never knew was there, i know i can do this. no.....no i know, i will. :)

Wow, it's been awhile!!

i didn't mean to let so much time go in between post's, but time it really flying. plus i'm not spending as much time on the computer. the weather has been getting nicer and i'm trying to get out more with munchkins. all the activity really helps with the weight watchers. tonight is weigh-in again. i had a really bad week, being sicker than a dog doesn't help. i hope it's not too discouraging.

we've got some important dates coming up, the 18th we are going to a "find out the sex of our baby" party. should be really fun. but i'm kinda scared, i haven't seen some of these ppl since bryce's funeral and i'm kinda nervous how ppl will respond to us. the 19th will 4 months that he has been gone, i still can't believe it. he is still the first person i want to call/text with news. i miss him every second of every day. :( the 20th we are going to see a medium at the embassy theatre in fort wayne. lisa williams(she's been on oprah and lifetime, we all have mixed emotions about this. we just really hope bryce is there and comes thru with something. we have all been talking to him and we are suppose to bring something like a pic or something he could be drawn too. it's so crazy!! i never thought i would be going to see a psychic in hopes of talking to my dead husband. then again i never thought i would be a widow at 32...... the 22nd patty, laine, brycer, and i are flying down to FLORIDA!! we'll be gone till the end of april. i hope the weather warms up in the next couple weeks. it's gonna stink to go there and it be chilly. we have so much planned to do, i can't wait!! the kiddo's are starting to beat each other up so i gotta run! have a great day everyone!!

fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me

how many times do you let certain people back into your life when all they don't bring anything back to yours? i'm serious, i want some answers from you peeps reading this!! :) i tend to let people back in over and over and over and over. never learning my lesson, never learning that we are not on the same page. i have so much going on right now, i don't need added baggage. if someone can't come into my life with a take charge kinda attitude then i don't really need/or want them around. i can't take care of anyone else's drama. i hate to have that attitude, it hurts me to say all this. i'm the one the needs the nurturing now. sometimes it's nice to have someone's else's issues to think about instead of my own a the end of the day. this isn't that time now, i need ppl to be the one's saying "hey, how ya doing today?" first.

i'm emotionally drained, it takes everything in me to put on a happy face and be a "good" mom for my kids. i'm tired, i'm sad, really sad. time has not started to make feelings more managable. i'm so thankful that my mom is still here, my spirit gets alittle renewed when she's here. plus florida is one month away. being able to be outside and run the the kids will be awesome for all of us. add disneyworld and keywest, i'm gonna come back a changed woman. hey who knows, it might even kick start my diet!!

i haven't really been writing much lately, i'm finding it really hard to reach in and pull all my thoughts and feelings out. i'm gonna try and do better, i really do feel better when i get this off my chest.

my mom, my savior

i haven't felt like writting the last couple days. my mom is back for 2 weeks. a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders for alittle while. it's amazing how mom's can make it all better. my mom hasn't experienced the death of her husband yet she can comfort me. i've learned the older i get the more i need her. now if you would have told me that when i was younger i would have said NO WAY!!! it makes me happy that i have such a good relationship with my parents, i'm lucky. i'm lucky that when bryce passed away she was able to come stay with me for 2 months. she when home for a couple weeks and now she's back. not very many people have that kind of support. life is good!! can't really think of anything else to write about tonight so i'm gonna head out! hope everyone is doing good!! :)

feeling blue

everyday brings a new set of emotions, some good, some bad. yesterday was a rather rough day. i don't know what it is about wednesdays, they usually get my emotions flowing. one minute i'm sad and crying a river then i'm po'ed and cussing bryce for leaving me. now i know he didn't leave me, but that is how i feel. he would have never choose the path that was taken. i'm sitting here looking at our last family picture taken in sept. at his cousin erin's wedding. we were all "done up" and it makes me so happy. there aren't many pictures of all of us together. for those of you who know me you know i always have my camera so i can snap pictures of the kids, but there are hardly any of me and him. so a note to all you parents our there, take lots of family pic!!

back to the process.....like i said yesterday was rough, every little thing made me cry. of course i'm sure that the fact that i have 2 sick kids that aren't sleeping good isn't helping. when they don't sleep, i don't sleep. sleep is already an issue for me since he passed. i have such a hard time falling asleep, my mind just doesn't stop thinking about my situation. i feel like as soon as i get to sleep the kids are waking up. i think i'm depressed. i thought i was just sad, but i feel like i'm moving backwards instead of forwards with my emotions. things should be getting easier, we are getting on a schedule and things are falling into place, but they aren't. it's getting harder and harder for me to get out of bed in the morning, then when i do i move to the couch and lay there. i'm in counseling and medicated, what is my freaking problem? i'm not really feeling this today so i think i'll wrap it up. maybe i'll feel like writing more later.

FLORIDA BABY!!!

so we were at the in-laws lastnight planning our vacation. bryce, me, and the kids were suppose to go to florida for thanksgiving, but he got sick and we all know how that turned out. i just found out the airline is giving me a credit so i'm not gonna loose my money. actually my in-laws paid for our tickets so they aren't loosing their money. but anyways...... we have an AWESOME, i mean freaking AWESOME time planned!!! patty ( my mother-in-law) the kids and i are flying down on march 22. my father in law is driving down after work slows down. then on 4-7 steve, haley, dylan, and gavin (cousins) are coming till the 18th. then on 4-12 jason ( bryce's brother) jenna, bradyn, and avery are coming down till the 24th. we are going to DISNEYWORLD!!!! i'm soooooooooo excited!! i haven't been to the magic kingdom since i was like 9 or 10. laine is sooooo excited about meeting real princess's and brycer is pumped about mickey mouse. i can't wait to do the swiss family robinson's treehouse!!! we are also going to KEY WEST on the 18th!!!!! freaking KEY WEST!!!! just for a couple days, but it is gonna be sooooooo sweet! the beach, the shopping, and snorkeling!! i'm sooooo excited! i so need a break from everything and i think a month in florida is just what the dr ordered!! i'm sooooooo ready for some fun in the sun!!!

is "widowism" even a word?

i hate the word widow. I hate that when ever i fill out paper work i have to check a new box, widow. let's see, i'm gotten to check single, married, divorced, married, and now widowed in that order. does it really matter? it's amazing how little things like that can send me in a downward spiral. i find it hard to climb back out sometimes, most of the time i don't even want to try and find a way out. i know i have too, i have 2 little one's who deserve an "all there" parent. it scares me to death to know i'm all they have left. i mean they have great grandparents and aunts and uncles, but i'm the only parent. i used to think of myself as such a free spirit, who came and went whenever and where ever the road took me. now the thought of going to the grocery store is almost crippiling. what if a drunk driver hits me? all these what if's fly thru my mind. i hope as time goes on things will get back to as normal as possible. i don't want laine and brycer to live in a shell, i want them to be as free as possible. i don't want to influence their little spirits and personalities with my own insecurities. once i get back in school and have a life outside just being at home i'm hoping it will help. plus i'll make some friends here, i don't have any "real" friends here, just ppl online. bryce was my best friend, we did it all together and we were happy with that. now that's gone and this loneliness really stinks.

My outlet

so after trying to write in a notebook i decided to try this. i thought some feedback would help me feel better. since i wrote my first post i've thought about sitting back down and writing 50 more things. then i decided that i needed to save some of it for future posts.

right now the only song i care to listen to is Glitter in the Air by P!ink. oh and bad romance by lady gaga b/c laine and brycer love to sing it. she says so many things that hit home, and the music, and the performance at the the grammies. WOW!! it was love at first hearing. there are so many feelings and thoughts going thru my mind. i'm not sure how often i'll post on here, i'm sure it will come in spurts. my emotions are like waves, nice and calm for so long then all of a sudden a hurricane hits.

i'm pretty upset right now. i was playing with my wedding band and dropped down in the couch and lost it. i don't want to rip it apart finding it so i'll have to wait for my mom to get here and help me. i'm just glad it's not my "real" wedding ring.

emotions are so weird/funny. one minute i'mgreat then i'm screwed for the next few days. i don't get it, doubt i ever will. i'll never understand why he's gone, therefore i'll never be at peace with it. people want me to "talk" to them. that really drives me crazy, my freaking husband is dead, how the f*ck do you think i feel? how in the f*ck do you think that effects the rest of my life? my prince charming rescued me, promised me he would never go anywhere and we would grow old and cute together. he gets to be forever young, so not fair!! lol plus he said i could go first.

bryce you saved me, you swooped down and got me out of such a bad place. maybe that was all you were suppose to do. i love you sooooooo much, i wish i had more time to show/prove it to you.

this song makes me think of you and i listen to it often


When I see your smile
Tears roll down my face
I can't replace

And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me, I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
Ill be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Its ok, Its ok, Its ok

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cause you're my
You're my
My true love
My whole heart
Please don't throw that away

Cause I'm here, for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay...

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know Ill be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
(repeat)


i love you

Wow, never thought i'd be"blogging" especially publically!!

so, for those who have been living on a different planet or in a coma i'll catch you up. my husband, bryce, passed away on 11-19-09. he had just turned 32 on 11-7. our 2 kiddo's, were 1 & 2 at the time. we have had so many milestones to pass already, thanksgiving, brycer's b-day, christmas, laine's b-day, and our nephew bradyn's b-day. they have all sucked without him. i usually don't like the term "sucked" but there is no other way to describe it.

people say that time heals all wounds, i think those people have never had to suffer thru any terrible event. time just makes the pain more manageable. i am still waiting for that to start happening. the day he passed this hole appeared inside me, an emptiness i have never felt before. my family all lives away from me and i've gone thru a divorce, so i have experienced some "life". in 12 days it will be 3 months. damn, 3 months! my life has stopped and 3 stinking months have flown by. i am so thankful that i have laine and brycer to keep me going. their non-understanding has been a blessing. at the same time it breaks what's left of my heart that they won't have their own memories of their dad. they will just hear all the great stories from all the friends and family who will keep him alive in their minds.

i don't want this to be totally depressing to read, so i'll share a funny story. i know bryce was looking down saying "cledus, are you serious?" cledus was my nickname, don't ask how i got it, don't know. or t-rex arms b/c he said i had short arms. lol those of you who know me know that i'm not the first in line when it's time to clean. i'm clean, just alittle messy :) so i decided to vacuum and somehow i got tangled up in the cord. i fell, bigtime, and sparained my ankle. which in my mind just goes to show my hatred of cleaning really is justified. haha let me tell ya it was a sight to see, my big ol butt crashing to the ground with 20 ft of cord wrapped around my feet. my dad says he paid for 13 yrs of ballet to have a graceful daughter, well it hasn't kicked in yet dad!! i think all hope is lost. :)