fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me

how many times do you let certain people back into your life when all they don't bring anything back to yours? i'm serious, i want some answers from you peeps reading this!! :) i tend to let people back in over and over and over and over. never learning my lesson, never learning that we are not on the same page. i have so much going on right now, i don't need added baggage. if someone can't come into my life with a take charge kinda attitude then i don't really need/or want them around. i can't take care of anyone else's drama. i hate to have that attitude, it hurts me to say all this. i'm the one the needs the nurturing now. sometimes it's nice to have someone's else's issues to think about instead of my own a the end of the day. this isn't that time now, i need ppl to be the one's saying "hey, how ya doing today?" first.

i'm emotionally drained, it takes everything in me to put on a happy face and be a "good" mom for my kids. i'm tired, i'm sad, really sad. time has not started to make feelings more managable. i'm so thankful that my mom is still here, my spirit gets alittle renewed when she's here. plus florida is one month away. being able to be outside and run the the kids will be awesome for all of us. add disneyworld and keywest, i'm gonna come back a changed woman. hey who knows, it might even kick start my diet!!

i haven't really been writing much lately, i'm finding it really hard to reach in and pull all my thoughts and feelings out. i'm gonna try and do better, i really do feel better when i get this off my chest.

my mom, my savior

i haven't felt like writting the last couple days. my mom is back for 2 weeks. a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders for alittle while. it's amazing how mom's can make it all better. my mom hasn't experienced the death of her husband yet she can comfort me. i've learned the older i get the more i need her. now if you would have told me that when i was younger i would have said NO WAY!!! it makes me happy that i have such a good relationship with my parents, i'm lucky. i'm lucky that when bryce passed away she was able to come stay with me for 2 months. she when home for a couple weeks and now she's back. not very many people have that kind of support. life is good!! can't really think of anything else to write about tonight so i'm gonna head out! hope everyone is doing good!! :)

feeling blue

everyday brings a new set of emotions, some good, some bad. yesterday was a rather rough day. i don't know what it is about wednesdays, they usually get my emotions flowing. one minute i'm sad and crying a river then i'm po'ed and cussing bryce for leaving me. now i know he didn't leave me, but that is how i feel. he would have never choose the path that was taken. i'm sitting here looking at our last family picture taken in sept. at his cousin erin's wedding. we were all "done up" and it makes me so happy. there aren't many pictures of all of us together. for those of you who know me you know i always have my camera so i can snap pictures of the kids, but there are hardly any of me and him. so a note to all you parents our there, take lots of family pic!!

back to the process.....like i said yesterday was rough, every little thing made me cry. of course i'm sure that the fact that i have 2 sick kids that aren't sleeping good isn't helping. when they don't sleep, i don't sleep. sleep is already an issue for me since he passed. i have such a hard time falling asleep, my mind just doesn't stop thinking about my situation. i feel like as soon as i get to sleep the kids are waking up. i think i'm depressed. i thought i was just sad, but i feel like i'm moving backwards instead of forwards with my emotions. things should be getting easier, we are getting on a schedule and things are falling into place, but they aren't. it's getting harder and harder for me to get out of bed in the morning, then when i do i move to the couch and lay there. i'm in counseling and medicated, what is my freaking problem? i'm not really feeling this today so i think i'll wrap it up. maybe i'll feel like writing more later.

FLORIDA BABY!!!

so we were at the in-laws lastnight planning our vacation. bryce, me, and the kids were suppose to go to florida for thanksgiving, but he got sick and we all know how that turned out. i just found out the airline is giving me a credit so i'm not gonna loose my money. actually my in-laws paid for our tickets so they aren't loosing their money. but anyways...... we have an AWESOME, i mean freaking AWESOME time planned!!! patty ( my mother-in-law) the kids and i are flying down on march 22. my father in law is driving down after work slows down. then on 4-7 steve, haley, dylan, and gavin (cousins) are coming till the 18th. then on 4-12 jason ( bryce's brother) jenna, bradyn, and avery are coming down till the 24th. we are going to DISNEYWORLD!!!! i'm soooooooooo excited!! i haven't been to the magic kingdom since i was like 9 or 10. laine is sooooo excited about meeting real princess's and brycer is pumped about mickey mouse. i can't wait to do the swiss family robinson's treehouse!!! we are also going to KEY WEST on the 18th!!!!! freaking KEY WEST!!!! just for a couple days, but it is gonna be sooooooo sweet! the beach, the shopping, and snorkeling!! i'm sooooo excited! i so need a break from everything and i think a month in florida is just what the dr ordered!! i'm sooooooo ready for some fun in the sun!!!

is "widowism" even a word?

i hate the word widow. I hate that when ever i fill out paper work i have to check a new box, widow. let's see, i'm gotten to check single, married, divorced, married, and now widowed in that order. does it really matter? it's amazing how little things like that can send me in a downward spiral. i find it hard to climb back out sometimes, most of the time i don't even want to try and find a way out. i know i have too, i have 2 little one's who deserve an "all there" parent. it scares me to death to know i'm all they have left. i mean they have great grandparents and aunts and uncles, but i'm the only parent. i used to think of myself as such a free spirit, who came and went whenever and where ever the road took me. now the thought of going to the grocery store is almost crippiling. what if a drunk driver hits me? all these what if's fly thru my mind. i hope as time goes on things will get back to as normal as possible. i don't want laine and brycer to live in a shell, i want them to be as free as possible. i don't want to influence their little spirits and personalities with my own insecurities. once i get back in school and have a life outside just being at home i'm hoping it will help. plus i'll make some friends here, i don't have any "real" friends here, just ppl online. bryce was my best friend, we did it all together and we were happy with that. now that's gone and this loneliness really stinks.

My outlet

so after trying to write in a notebook i decided to try this. i thought some feedback would help me feel better. since i wrote my first post i've thought about sitting back down and writing 50 more things. then i decided that i needed to save some of it for future posts.

right now the only song i care to listen to is Glitter in the Air by P!ink. oh and bad romance by lady gaga b/c laine and brycer love to sing it. she says so many things that hit home, and the music, and the performance at the the grammies. WOW!! it was love at first hearing. there are so many feelings and thoughts going thru my mind. i'm not sure how often i'll post on here, i'm sure it will come in spurts. my emotions are like waves, nice and calm for so long then all of a sudden a hurricane hits.

i'm pretty upset right now. i was playing with my wedding band and dropped down in the couch and lost it. i don't want to rip it apart finding it so i'll have to wait for my mom to get here and help me. i'm just glad it's not my "real" wedding ring.

emotions are so weird/funny. one minute i'mgreat then i'm screwed for the next few days. i don't get it, doubt i ever will. i'll never understand why he's gone, therefore i'll never be at peace with it. people want me to "talk" to them. that really drives me crazy, my freaking husband is dead, how the f*ck do you think i feel? how in the f*ck do you think that effects the rest of my life? my prince charming rescued me, promised me he would never go anywhere and we would grow old and cute together. he gets to be forever young, so not fair!! lol plus he said i could go first.

bryce you saved me, you swooped down and got me out of such a bad place. maybe that was all you were suppose to do. i love you sooooooo much, i wish i had more time to show/prove it to you.

this song makes me think of you and i listen to it often


When I see your smile
Tears roll down my face
I can't replace

And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me, I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
Ill be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Its ok, Its ok, Its ok

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cause you're my
You're my
My true love
My whole heart
Please don't throw that away

Cause I'm here, for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay...

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know Ill be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
(repeat)


i love you

Wow, never thought i'd be"blogging" especially publically!!

so, for those who have been living on a different planet or in a coma i'll catch you up. my husband, bryce, passed away on 11-19-09. he had just turned 32 on 11-7. our 2 kiddo's, were 1 & 2 at the time. we have had so many milestones to pass already, thanksgiving, brycer's b-day, christmas, laine's b-day, and our nephew bradyn's b-day. they have all sucked without him. i usually don't like the term "sucked" but there is no other way to describe it.

people say that time heals all wounds, i think those people have never had to suffer thru any terrible event. time just makes the pain more manageable. i am still waiting for that to start happening. the day he passed this hole appeared inside me, an emptiness i have never felt before. my family all lives away from me and i've gone thru a divorce, so i have experienced some "life". in 12 days it will be 3 months. damn, 3 months! my life has stopped and 3 stinking months have flown by. i am so thankful that i have laine and brycer to keep me going. their non-understanding has been a blessing. at the same time it breaks what's left of my heart that they won't have their own memories of their dad. they will just hear all the great stories from all the friends and family who will keep him alive in their minds.

i don't want this to be totally depressing to read, so i'll share a funny story. i know bryce was looking down saying "cledus, are you serious?" cledus was my nickname, don't ask how i got it, don't know. or t-rex arms b/c he said i had short arms. lol those of you who know me know that i'm not the first in line when it's time to clean. i'm clean, just alittle messy :) so i decided to vacuum and somehow i got tangled up in the cord. i fell, bigtime, and sparained my ankle. which in my mind just goes to show my hatred of cleaning really is justified. haha let me tell ya it was a sight to see, my big ol butt crashing to the ground with 20 ft of cord wrapped around my feet. my dad says he paid for 13 yrs of ballet to have a graceful daughter, well it hasn't kicked in yet dad!! i think all hope is lost. :)