The "Question"

so in counseling last week she asked me if i would have known the outcome would i still have dated/married bryce. i think my eyeballs just about came out of their sockets. she said i shot daggers at her out of my eyes but i don't by that.....lol. i hadn't ever even thought of this, but since she asked it's been haunting me. my first response was hell no! i thought i knew pain, an abusive relationship, a divorce that i didnt' want, giving your heart to someone who only wants it when it's not available, my family living 6 and 7 hours away from me. i didn't know jack sh*t. the pain hit a nerve so raw i never could have never imagined it existed. i get really upset when ppl tell me they know how i feel, they lost a grandparent, parent, or sibling. it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT the same. i'm not saying the pain is terrible and unbearable and just as raw but it's a different pain. you don't choose your family, i choose to spend the rest of my life with bryce. i choose to grow old and build a life with him. it's different. he was my soulmate, we completed each other, as corny as that sounds. when he died i felt like half of me died with him. now their is an empty blackness that continues to grow inside me, it never leaves me alone. it has become my constant "companion"

then i stop thinking about myself, and i think about the 2 most important special things in my life. the 2 things that i would give my life for, laine and brycer. i look at them and without even thinking about it i say hell yes i would do it again. i would do it over and over if they are the gift i got out of it. had i not gone thru everything in my life that caused me joy or pain i wouldn't have ended up with them. it makes every decision that i've ever made in my life the right one. they make me fighting the emptiness seem worth while. i can't let it comsume me, i can't let it take me over. they deserve the best and that is what i'm trying to be. i'm not setting my goal up so high that it's not reachable, but it's definetly gonna keep me on my toes. i am finding a strength inside me i never knew was there, i know i can do this. no.....no i know, i will. :)