is "widowism" even a word?

i hate the word widow. I hate that when ever i fill out paper work i have to check a new box, widow. let's see, i'm gotten to check single, married, divorced, married, and now widowed in that order. does it really matter? it's amazing how little things like that can send me in a downward spiral. i find it hard to climb back out sometimes, most of the time i don't even want to try and find a way out. i know i have too, i have 2 little one's who deserve an "all there" parent. it scares me to death to know i'm all they have left. i mean they have great grandparents and aunts and uncles, but i'm the only parent. i used to think of myself as such a free spirit, who came and went whenever and where ever the road took me. now the thought of going to the grocery store is almost crippiling. what if a drunk driver hits me? all these what if's fly thru my mind. i hope as time goes on things will get back to as normal as possible. i don't want laine and brycer to live in a shell, i want them to be as free as possible. i don't want to influence their little spirits and personalities with my own insecurities. once i get back in school and have a life outside just being at home i'm hoping it will help. plus i'll make some friends here, i don't have any "real" friends here, just ppl online. bryce was my best friend, we did it all together and we were happy with that. now that's gone and this loneliness really stinks.